“It’s Not Just a Bad Relationship”: Why the Real Solutions to Intimate Partner Violence Go Far Beyond Jail Time!

Written By Elle Jolie

By Coach Elle Jolie, Kelowna-based health & wellness advocate

Every six days, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner.

Let that sink in.

In the sunny Okanagan, we pride ourselves on community and wellness — yet like everywhere else in the country, intimate partner violence (IPV) is alive, escalating, and often hidden behind closed doors. In fact, Kelowna has historically had one of the highest rates of domestic violence in B.C., and femicide in Canada is at an all-time high.

So why is this still happening, and what actually stops it?

Let’s dig in — because stiffer legal penalties alone won’t fix this.

What Really Causes Intimate Partner Violence?

While arguments, stress, or economic hardship can trigger conflict, IPV is about power and control — not just poor communication or “toxic” dynamics.

And despite myths that it’s gender-neutral, the vast majority of severe IPV is committed by men against women. Here’s what the research tells us:

  • Women represent 80% of victims of IPV-related homicides (Statistics Canada, 2023).

  • Coercive control, fear, and life-altering injury are far more common for women.

  • Men can and do experience IPV — but it's often less physically injurious and less tied to systemic control.

IPV is not a gender war — but it is gendered.

Are Men and Women Equally Responsible for IPV?

Not even close — especially when it comes to severity, motivation, and consequences.

  • Self-report surveys (like the Conflict Tactics Scale) sometimes show similar rates of minor aggression.

  • But women are far more likely to be:

    • Choked

    • Sexually assaulted

    • Threatened with weapons

    • Killed

  • Male violence is often rooted in coercion and dominance, while women’s violence is more often defensive or reactive (Johnson, 2008).

IPV is not a gender-neutral crime. It's a public health emergency.

Why Tougher Laws Aren’t Enough

You might think: “Just lock them up longer.” And yes, stiffer penalties matter — but they're not the silver bullet. Here's why:

  • Legal consequences without intervention don’t change behavior.

  • Many victims don’t report because they fear retaliation, poverty, or losing their children.

  • Criminal justice systems often re-traumatize survivors, especially in rural areas where resources are limited.

So What Does Work?

1. Domestic Violence Courts

Specialized courts — like those being piloted in B.C. — integrate legal accountability with offender rehab, victim advocacy, and trauma-informed processes.

2. Batterer Intervention Programs (BIPs)

When monitored and enforced properly, these can shift harmful beliefs and reduce recidivism, especially when combined with mental health and substance use treatment.

3. Early Prevention in Schools

Programs like The Fourth R (developed in Canada) teach kids how to build healthy relationships, regulate emotion, and challenge harmful gender roles before abuse begins.

4. Support for Survivors

We must meet survivors where they are:

  • Safe, affordable housing

  • Access to legal aid

  • Financial literacy and income support

  • Culturally appropriate services, especially for Indigenous, newcomer, and LGBTQ2S+ communities

IPV in the Female Health Space

At Elle Jolie Wellness, I work with women in all life stages — and too often, their bodies carry the trauma of abuse.

  • Sleep dysfunction, weight gain, chronic pain, and even hormone imbalance can be downstream effects of trauma.

  • Many of these women blame themselves for “not being disciplined,” when in fact, they’ve been surviving violence, coercion, or post-traumatic stress.

This is why our StrongHER Club isn’t just about building muscle — it’s about reclaiming bodily autonomy.

A Call to Action for Kelowna & Beyond

We don’t stop IPV with hashtags. We stop it when:

  • Survivors have real escape routes

  • Offenders are held accountable and rehabilitated

  • Youth are taught early what love really looks like

  • We stop minimizing women’s stories or asking, “Why didn’t she just leave?”

Because the question isn’t why she stayed — it’s why he felt entitled to hurt her.

Want to Make Noise for Real Change?

If you live in Kelowna or British Columbia and want to be part of shifting the system, here’s who to contact with your concerns, stories, and demands for better IPV prevention, funding, and support.

Provincial (British Columbia)

Grace Lore – Minister of State for Women’s Equity
📧 grace.lore.MLA@leg.bc.ca
🔗 @GraceALore

Federal (Canada-wide)

Need Help in Kelowna?

If you or someone you love is in danger:

  • Kelowna Women’s Shelter: (250) 762-8561

  • VictimLink BC (24/7): 1‑877-890-4431

    💬 A Final Word from Coach Elle Jolie

    Intimate partner violence doesn’t just leave bruises — it leaves women questioning their worth, their bodies, and their futures. As a coach, I’ve seen firsthand how reclaiming physical strength can spark emotional healing. But make no mistake: no woman should have to survive violence just to find herself.

    We owe survivors more than awareness. We owe them safety, systems that work, and communities that don’t look away.

    To every woman in Kelowna and beyond:
    You are not broken.
    You are not to blame.
    You are not alone.

    Let’s build a world where strength isn’t something we fight for in secret — it’s something we’re supported in, loud and clear.

    And if no one’s ever said this to you — I believe you. And I believe in you.

    With love and relentless hope,
    Coach Elle Jolie
    Elle Jolie Wellness | Kelowna, BC

Elle Jolie
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